“Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.”

I was really moved by this piece of…you know I’m not even sure what to call it – potery?  prose?  vignette? – written by a blogger on Tumblr called The Clumsy Human.

tumblr_typewriter

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“Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.”

“The first time you see a woman naked will not be like you imagined. There will be no love, no trust, no intimacy. You won’t even be in the same room as her.

You won’t get to smile as she undresses you and you undress her. You won’t get to calm her nerves with nerves of your own. You won’t get to kiss her, feeling her lips and the edge of her tongue. You won’t get to brush your fingers over the lace of her bra or count her ribs or feel her heartbeat.

The first time you see a woman naked you will be sitting in front of a computer screen watching someone play at intimacy and perform at sex. She will contort her body to please everyone in the room but her. You will watch this woman who is not a woman, pixelated and filtered and customized. She will come ready-made, like an order at a restaurant. The man on the screen will be bigger than you, rougher than you. He will teach you how to talk to her. He will teach you where to put your hands and he will teach you what you’re supposed to like. He will teach you to take what is yours.

You must unlearn this. You must unlearn this twisted sense of love. You must unlearn the definition of pleasure and intimacy you are being taught. Kill this idea of love, this idea of entitlement, this way of scarring one another.”

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What was it like the first time you saw someone naked? The first time you saw porn?  Tell your story here.

Here’s a link to the original Tumblr post.

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3 thoughts on ““Tell me what happens the first time you see a woman naked.”

  1. Hit me right in the heart. I’ve lost so much. I’m 21 with no sexual experience at all. I could have had this healthy experience when I was 13 and 14 with a girl I liked, but porn had allready infiltrated my mind to the point where I didn’t pick up the signals, nor know what to do or have the courage to explore the unknown. So I wallowed in porn and three years later I became aware of my addiction, and how it had corrupted my life. Becoming aware was not enough to garner any different results with at other times. I have not been able to come to terms with the addiction and I’m starting to loose hope. My mind has dwindled and become weak. My progress in life is at a stand still. I can no longer see the road ahead and the gruelling weight of being alone, taking a shot in the dark, rebuilding some momentum and trying to restart my life, without any reassurance of whether or not I’m headed in a somewhat desirable direction, is beyond painful and i don’t know if I can do it. I have this lingering feeling that my demice will be premature.

    • Dear Justin,

      Thanks for sharing all this. I’m so sorry to hear that porn has taken such a toll on your life. You sound like a great guy, the kind of person any young woman would be lucky to get to know.

      From your last sentence, I take it that you sometimes think about suicide. I am, of course, not a therapist or a professional in any way (and it sounds like it might do you good to have someone to talk to confidentially about all this) but I will offer these few thoughts.

      First, please don’t kill yourself. Each of us has the ability to improve our lives and our situations. You are clearly a good and smart person and I believe in you, you can do it.

      It’s fine that relationships with women are difficult for you, they’re difficult for lots of people, me included (and I’m married to a woman). Find someone to talk to, keep trying to meet and make friends with women and remember that you are powerful! Capable! A deeply good person. Both your love life and the rest of your life can improve, with time and consistent effort.

      It might also help to find things unrelated to women that make you happy. If you have any hobbies or interest, find other people who share them and really try to enjoy doing them with good friends. If being outdoors clears your head and a beautiful vista makes you smile, get some friends together to go camping.

      Also, exercise is really undervalued as a way to feel good in your body, about your body and just to clear you head of the cobwebs that collect when life feels hard. Regular exercise could really give you a push in the right direction.

      As for giving up porn, I wish you luck, just keep trying. It took me almost 20 years to quit, but I was able to quit in the end. I bet you can do it much faster, just stay with it.

      Best,
      Ismail

  2. Nice to see this tumblr post re-posted. I always remember it, because it resonates with me a lot.

    This will be a long write.

    What porn did to me.. Lemme correct that: what I did to myself , watching, searching and masturbating to porn, it was not good at all.

    I’ve been a porn and masturbation addict for over half my life, I am 32yo and just recently, only a year and a half ago I stumbled upon Nofap reddit, Ybop and such sites, right away after reading the benefits that porn addicts like me were getting just by abstaining, I knew that a life free of porn was what I needed.

    Porn not only twisted my (already poor) sex life, but also fucked up all of my relationships, with family and friends. I started to minimize any social interaction, to the point of being completely isolated. If it wasn’t for my work (which Btw requires minimal social interaction) i think i would have been all alone.

    Months before starting my journey to leaving porn I remember that every night, without exception, during many weeks… I dedicated them to long and extended porn masturbation sessions, for hours. Every. Single. Night. Most of the time it was just hours of searching porn and edging. Just looking like crazy , mindlessly searching for this holy grail porn video. I was exhausted but the searching for “porn perfection” was never-ending. Not to mention that I developed many “fucked up and refined” (?) porn fetishes like… For example I just wasn’t into shemale porn, I liked petite asian shemales. It’s a total fuck up, one minute I was looking to some girls on bikinis and moments rigbt after I was fapping to gay porn. But the worst of the worst was my ultimate demise: the deep web. Hell on earth. In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, you better not know.

    I felt bad, really bad. Zero self esteem, zero motivation, and no sex drive at all.
    Felt unworthy of my loving family (parents and siblings) and totally but completely alienated from my friends, which i never had many but the few I had were always so kind to me and really interested on having me as part of their group. I just felt alien, and incredibly envious and jelous of them and their “happy and healthy” lives.

    I knew I had a problem when a girl from work asked me out several times, she wanted to see me after work and she seemed really interested. I remember her like she was waiting for me to do something. TO TAKE ACTION.
    I liked her, a lot, actually. She seemed pretty healthy, active and incredibly happy. She was definitely girlfriend material. We worked together and kinda knew each other, we talked about many things, but when it came to actually connect and develop a legit relationship (and im not talking about a love relationship, because it would have been an amazing friendship otherwise) I just avoided it like a plague. I just didn’t know what to say to her. I didn’t know how to react or how to reciprocate with her feelings.
    This is quite ridiculous, because she just needed me to say: “Yes, i would love to”.

    Anyways, over a year and half of trying to quit. I’m definitely a better man, and a stronger one. At first it was just abstaining, and it helped tremendously. But only after several months of hardcore training at the gym, running countless miles, and finally getting back to martial arts after more than 5 years of leaving the dojo, was when I started to feel alive again. I needed to replace the addiction with healthy habits.

    Lately I have been getting in touch with friends and family. While I still find it a bit difficult to enjoy time with them, I think it helped me a lot.

    Quoting myself from a nofap reddit’s post: “Porn is a prison where its cells are so tight and small that you just can’t grow.”

    It is funny that one of my favorite movies and tv shows genres was the prison / escapees / fugitives themed ones. One friend told me once: “Why are you so obsessed with prison escapes movies and stuff? What are you escaping from”

    I think I know the answer now.

    And I feel freedom is near.

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